Our wonderful families come to us in so many formats - birth children, adopted children, blended families, extended family caregivers and close friends of the family. So what happens when the little person in your life begins to ask questions about adoption? I know some wonderful mama friends who are adoptive parents and as a Licensed Professional Counselor working with families have a few guidelines that I wanted to share:
First- REMEMBER YOU ARE THE EXPERT ON YOUR CHILD! Trust your instincts and give yourself credit for all you do each and every day. When a child has questions about their birth parents and adoption it can bring up a lot of feelings. You may feel it is personal or that something is wrong - but rest assured, questions are perfectly normal and you can expect each child to have some.
Answer your child's questions about their birth parents with simple and honest responses that have basic information, but not information overload. Don't elaborate on information that might be distressing or unhelpful (violence, abandonment, etc.). An example of something that you might want to share is that his or her birth mother wanted to raise him/her, but was not able to by herself and made the decision to put him/her up for adoption with someone who could do the best job of taking care of him at that time.
Celebrate just the birthday. Sometimes adoptive parents are encouraged to celebrate the child's birthday and adoption day. A child with two "birthdays" may feel different so it may be best to celebrate the same way other children do so they feel the sameness (versus differentness).
Keep your child's cultural heritage alive (when they are adopted internationally).
While an overemphasis of cultural differences can lead to feelings of being different, exposure on moderate level can lead to feelings of pride and connectedness.
Make a scrapbook for your child. When you give this to your child depends on their develpmental level and when your child/family is ready, but go ahead and make it so you have it. Put first pictures of your child (at least the first ones you have access to), pictures of birthplace (this could be hospital, foster parents, neighborhood, or country of origin). Be creative if you don't have them - get tourist pamplets or download pictures from internet of the state they came from, you don't have to have the original.
Get support! This is new for you and your child so don't hesitate to get help from friends, support groups, or specialists if you feel overwhelmed or the questions are too upsetting to you. Remember that you are an amazing person who opened their heart to another person and you deserve support and help when you need it! Take Care Mama Bear!
